The Coffee Date
by minor distractions
Summary: A ridiculous bit of fluff that takes place in the version of season 7 that only exists in my head. Bonnie is trying to enjoy a rare drama free afternoon when a certain someone shows up uninvited. Bonnie is annoyed and Caroline is highly amused. Rated T for a little language.


**Disclaimer:** I own absolutely nothing. If I did Bonnie Bennett would rule Mystic Falls and Kai Parker would still have a head.

 **The Coffee Date**

Despite being the mega-powerful new leader of the Gemini coven (a direct quote and a fact that he never lets you forget), Kai Parker spends a disturbingly small amount of time in Portland, ya know, actually leading said coven. Since Tyler decided to join Liv in exile, Kai has taken up residence at the Lockwood estate. According to him, he's entitled to stay there because the mansion is befitting of someone of his current stature; to the victor goes the spoils, he says. According to you, he's a squatter. What all this really means is that every time you turn around, there he is. Caroline teases you incessantly about the fact that he is always hanging around. She has even gone so far as to suggest that Kai has some sort of crush and that he might be low key stalking you, both ideas you have dismissed outright.

Though you would rather turn your own blood into acid than admit it out loud, having him around isn't all bad. On those occasions when something goes to the left and your trouble prone friends need someone to magic their asses out of harm's way (you know, a typical Tuesday afternoon in Mystic Falls), it's nice to not be the only person that can help. Sure you have to beg, plead, cajole, bribe and basically promise him your firstborn, but Kai always comes through in the end. The guy is like a walking grimoire library. Those Gemini witches may be chock full of nuts but they know their shit. You can't deny that your knowledge base and confidence in your abilities grows just by being in close proximity to him. He actually makes you a better witch. Again, you will never share this insight with him. His ego is already in the stratosphere and if he gets any smugger, you may try to murder him again.

It's one of those rare Saturday afternoons where the sun is shining, the birds are singing and no one is trying to kill you (not actively, anyway) so you and Caroline are out having coffee. You're taking your first sip of caramel latte, when Caroline nudges you in the ribs.

"Hey Bonnie," she says with a delighted laugh. "Your boyfriend's here."

You choke mid sip when you see Kai leaning against the counter waiting for his drink. He's wearing a long black wool coat and a black Nirvana t-shirt. The cuffs of his jeans are rolled up to just above the top of his trusty combat boots. You can take the boy out of 1994, but you can't take 1994 out of the boy.

Kai scoops up his drink and makes a beeline for your table, customary smirk firmly in place. His seeming ability to know exactly where you are at any given time leaves you wondering if he has secretly planted a lojack tracking device on your ass; that or he's so desperate to foist his presence upon you that he's constantly doing locator spells. Either way, Care's stalking theory is starting to seem less and less far-fetched by the second.

Without waiting for an invitation he drops down into the seat across from you. He starts speaking as though the three of you were already in the middle of a conversation. "So, I was like why can't a large just be a large? Why is everything so pretentious these days? And speaking of pretentious, the chick in front of me was placing an order and I didn't understand half of what she was saying. Half skim no foam double shot, blah, blah, blah. I mean those are all English words but seriously, what the hell? Why can't anybody just say I want a large coffee? What's wrong with that? I do like the fact that you can get so many different toppings though. I had to exercise some major self-control cause it is so tempting to get whipped cream and chocolate shavings and caramel drizzle, but I do not need all the sugar. Know what I mean? Me on too much sugar is almost as bad as me on tequila and you do not want to see me on teq-."

You cut him off mid-sentence because if you wait for a natural break in the conversation, you will never get a word in edgewise. "What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a having a cup of coffee. As one does in a coffee shop." He has the nerve to speak slowly, as though you're the one with the problem.

"I mean why are you sitting here? You can't sit with us."

"Come on Bonnie," he tips his head to the side. "Don't be a mean girl."

You cut your eyes sideways at Caroline. "You just had to help him set up that Netflix account, didn't you?"

"Sorry." She shrugs and smiles in a way that makes it clear she is not very sorry at all.

You can see that you're not going to get any help from your so called bestie so you turn your attention back to the interloper sitting across from you. "This," you gesture between him and you, "is not happening.

"What's not happening?"

"You thinking that you can just casually invite yourself to sit down and start chit chatting like we're all buddies; that's what's not happening."

Kai furrows his brow, his facial expression one of genuine confusion. "Have I done something to upset you, Bon?"

"Are you serious?" He just gapes at you with an innocent, butter wouldn't melt look on his face. "You shot me with an arrow."

"Oh that." He gives a dismissive wave of his hand. "That's kind of old news, don't you think?" He turns to look at Caroline. "Has she always been such a grudge holder?"

"Well…"

"You also drugged me, kidnapped me and stabbed me in the gut."

"Hey, if you want to start bringing up ancient grievances you, sent a pick axe flying into my chest before I barely even laid a hand on you; but I say let bygones be bygones. Besides, isn't maiming someone basically the equivalent of saying hello in Mystic Falls? Seriously, name one person you know that hasn't tried to kill you at least once." Kai pauses to take a sip of his drink. "And Dudley Do-Right doesn't count. He probably literally wouldn't swat a fly."

"His name is Matt."

"Do I look like I care what his name is? My point is what's a little bloodshed amongst friends?"

Friends? Did he really just say that? This is the point when you know you've heard enough. It's not even that you still hate him (kind of hard to actively hate someone that risked their life to save yours) but you are beyond annoyed with the way that he has insidiously slithered in and made himself at home in every single aspect of your daily life. You can't go to the Salvatore boarding house without finding him lounging by the fireplace trading barbs with Damon, who by the way, claims not to like Kai but never throws him out. The dining hall at Whitmore is a no go because who knows when he'll be there having lunch with Jo and Ric. Not that you begrudge him trying to mend his relationship with the only remaining family member he has that doesn't want to murder him, but still.

Not even your dorm room is a safe space. Even though both Caroline and Elena should know better, all Kai has to do is turn on that harmless, helpless puppy routine and they're willing to help him navigate all things related to acclimating to the unfamiliar decade he finds himself in. Although, you don't know why you expected better from either of them. In the past they have both shown an alarming predilection for overlooking all manner of disturbing behavior if the guy is cute enough.

Not that you think Kai is cute or anything.

Well, maybe a little.

That's beside the point. The point is your two best friends gather around him like mother hens and show him how to do things like download apps on his phone and program his dvr. They've even taken him to the mall in a desperate attempt to update his wardrobe. You still shudder thinking about the time you came back to the room and found them having an impromptu fashion show; Caroline getting a particular kick out of dressing Kai up like a life sized Ken doll.

And it's not that you don't get it. Since merging with Luke and absorbing Jo's power, Kai has saved all of your collective asses more than a few times. You don't even want to think about what would have happened if he hadn't been around to help you prevent Lily Salvatore from unleashing her Heretic family on the town. It also hasn't escaped your notice that Kai can actually be nice to be around sometimes.

He's funny and charming and it hurts you to even think it, kind of adorable. He's all those things until he isn't. God help you when he isn't. You've still got the scars to remind you of what it's like when he isn't. And that's why you can't allow yourself to just sit around sipping coffee and shooting the breeze with him like everything is cool.

You look him directly in the eyes, making sure that you have his full attention before you speak. "Kai, I will work with you. I will tolerate your presence when it's absolutely necessary. I will even try my best not to murder you again, but that's it. You and I will never, ever be friends.

Kai leans back from the table with a thoughtful look on his face. This is the quietest he's ever been and the most serious that he has ever looked. It's not that you didn't mean what you said or that you're worried about hurting the feelings that you're still somewhat skeptical he actually possesses, but some small tender hearted part of you wonders if you were too harsh.

Just when you think maybe you should try to soften the blow of your words, Kai's face changes. His eyes light up and then a smile, not a smirk or a leer, but a genuine smile stretches wide across his face. He picks up his cup, scoots his chair back and stands up. He comes around to your side of the table and crowds into your personal space so much that you have to force yourself not to lean back. His dark blue eyes lock on to your olive green with such intensity that you want to look away but find that you cannot.

"Bonnie Bennett, I do not want to be your friend." He turns to leave, throwing one last winking glance over his shoulder before swaggering out the door.

And with that one simple sentence everything you thought you understood about Kai Parker just goes right out the window. You sit in stunned silence, your mind busy trying to process what that was even supposed to mean until you hear Caroline start to snicker beside you.

She side eyes you while taking a leisurely sip of her chai tea. "So, you ready to talk about that crush that he doesn't have on you?"


End file.
